You’ve just received an autism diagnosis for your child or teen. Perhaps, you suspected you’d receive this news, or maybe it caught you off-guard. Regardless, you’re now an autism parent, and you’re probably wondering, what next? In my many years as an autism therapist, I have coached parents through a variety of different emotions and struggles regarding their child’s autism spectrum disorder diagnosis. After all, this was not the path they imagined their child taking through life. This often leads to grief and sadness. But, it doesn’t have to. Last week, we took a deep look into the world of high-functioning autism, but today, I want to elaborate on my message and offer hope to new autism parents.
An Autism Parent’s Initial Reaction is Often Grief
Many autism parents tend to grieve when their child is first diagnosed with autism. Even if you expected your child is on the autism spectrum. It often brings up fear and worries that your child will be labeled as different and not lead a full and happy life. These emotions are valid and understandable. It is hard to imagine your child experiencing challenges or difficulties in life. As parents, you want what’s best for them. And, you’d likely do anything to take away their pain.
Furthermore, your brain may be trying to imagine what their autism diagnosis means for you as their parent and caregiver. Will they be able to lead an independent life? Can they make friends? What about romantic relationships? Will they experience professional success? The fear of the unknown can be extremely worrisome and stressful. Especially if you didn’t expect an ASD diagnosis.
Telling Your Child About Their Autism Diagnosis is Hard
When your kid is diagnosed when they’re younger, parents often grapple with what to tell their child about their diagnosis. There is a group of parents that are afraid to tell their child they are on the autism spectrum and a group that shares the diagnosis with their child. The group that is afraid to tell their child often says things like “I don’t want him to feel different.” “I don’t want others to pick on him.” I get that. Of course, as a parent, you don’t want your child to be labeled as different. However, hiding their autism does not fix this. In fact, it usually makes it worse. When you hide things from your child, you are quietly suggesting that it is shameful to discuss. At least, that is how the child is likely to interpret it.
Instead, if a parent tells their child about their diagnosis, using a strengths-based approach, they can actually build the child’s self-esteem. What is a strength’s based approach? Well, it’s an approach that acknowledges all the things your child does well and all the supports they have in their life. This helps the child learn how to self-advocate rather than hide in the shadows due to shame.
Finding Support For Your Child
Also, it’s important for parents to find support for their child who can approach autism in a non-shaming way. This means highlighting their strengths and all the positives, rather than focusing solely on the challenges they’re having. This includes finding physicians, mental health professionals, therapists that have an understanding of ASD and how it impacts an individual’s life. Having multiple providers openly discuss autism with your child in a non-shaming way can further reduce any shame or stigma around the diagnosis.
If you struggle to find this support for your child, consider looking into telehealth options. The growing wave of online therapy and telehealth offers accessibility to professionals that you may not otherwise have access to. Or, consider advocating for your child and educating their teachers, educational staff, doctors, and other professionals on their diagnosis. Asperger/Autism Network (AANE) offers great resources you can use to help advocate for your child.
You Wish Your Child Was Diagnosed With Autism Sooner.
Perhaps, you always suspected your child was on the autism spectrum. They exhibited some signs, but their intellect was so high, others dismissed it as just being unique. Or, perhaps, they labeled your child as being difficult and gave them a variety of other diagnoses. I imagine that was super frustrating. Often, people with high-functioning autism, especially females, go undiagnosed for a long time. Sometimes even into adulthood. Even medical professionals can be baffled by autism traits and fail to properly diagnose them.
So, when your child was diagnosed you felt regret around not pursuing the diagnosis harder and getting them the right kind of supports sooner. You knew something was off, but you dismissed your gut feelings because medical professionals told you they were wrong. That’s an extremely heavy burden to bear.
You were in a tough position. After all, we’re conditioned to trust professional, especially professional medical, advice. So, it’s hard to keep pushing for a diagnosis after being told you were wrong. When this happens, offer yourself some self-compassion. It does not only help to relieve you of this burden, but it models an important life skill to your child. Self-compassion is one of the most important healing tools we possess.
A Note on Autism Acceptance and the Neurodiversity Movement
Autism acceptance and understanding has come a long way in the last couple of decades. This is in large part due to the neurodiversity movement. As we discussed last week, neurodiversity refers to differences in neurological functioning that are due to human variation. This takes away the stigma that these differences are bad.
Combined with the neurodiversity movement, autism understanding has also increased. Physicians, mental health professionals, and counselors now have a better understanding of less “common” autism traits. They also understand that having these traits does not indicate intellectual difficulties.
So although your child’s brain may function a little differently, that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Their differences are what make them unique. They may have challenges due to their neurodiversity, but they can cope with these challenges as long as they have adequate support. There are so many resources for neurotypical individuals to help them achieve success and happiness in life.
A Tip for Supporting Your Neurodiverse Child and Taking Care of Your Mental Health
Many autistic teen and adult clients I’ve worked with have felt shame around their identity. They often compare themselves to others and feel like they don’t measure up. Have you heard the saying “comparison is the thief of joy?” This holds especially true when neurodiverse individuals compare themselves or are compared with neurotypicals.
To help your child avoid this pitfall, the most important thing you can do as a parent is to consistently reinforce that they are valued and loved. It is also important for a parent to help their child shift away from making comparisons. Neurodiverse people are different from the norm, so if they spend their life comparing themself to the norm, they will never be happy. Instead, if they embrace and value who they are, then they will feel self-confident and at ease with themself.
Likewise, parents often do this too. The life of an autism parent can sometimes feel very lonely. Especially if you compare your child with neurotypical children. Comparing your child to others can cause you to feel a variety of negative emotions that are ultimately unhelpful and unproductive. Instead, embrace your child’s uniqueness and celebrate their neurodiversity.
Final thoughts for Autism Parents…
It’s okay to experience a myriad of emotions surrounding your child’s ASD diagnosis. After all, you probably did not envision neurodiversity in your child’s future. Offer yourself self-compassion and find support to help you navigate these emotions and the challenges you as their parent are facing. Take care of your mental health, so you can be in the best shape to help your child.
Once you can accept your child’s neurological differences you can focus and leverage their talents and interests to help them create a happy fulfilling life. Allowing your child to be who they were meant to be and celebrating their differences will strengthen your relationship with your child. This will help you as you navigate the ups-and-downs of life.
Next, it’s important for them to learn how to advocate for their needs so they don’t get overwhelmed in life and can thrive. Not everyone who encounters your child will understand autism, so it’s important your child knows how to explain autism and have open and informative conversations around it. This will not only help the neurodiversity movement but it will help your child lead a meaningful life in which they feel appropriately supported.
Explore Autism Therapy
At Open Doors Therapy, we offer a variety of autism therapy options to support your autistic loved one, you as autism parents, and your family.
For Neurodiverse teens and adults:
For your child, we offer individual autism therapy and autism group therapy opportunities. All our therapy options use a strength-based approach that is aimed at addressing concerns and providing your child with positive social skills, coping techniques to manage distress, and knowledge on how to self-advocate
For Autism Parents:
Our therapists offer an online support group for autism parents. This support group is designed to offer you companionship and guidance as you navigate the challenges of having a child on the autism spectrum. You will be given an opportunity to learn from other autism parents and autism therapists who truly understand what you’re going through and can offer you unique parenting advice and insight.
Additionally, we offer parent coaching and consulting if you’d prefer one on one guidance on how best to support your neurodiverse child. We have a team of autism experts who would be honored to work with you and provide you with the best tools to support your child.
For Autism Families:
Lastly, we’re proud to offer autism family therapy. During family therapy, we will work with you and your child to provide high-quality therapy that addresses both you and your child’s concerns. We will also work to capitalize on your strengths as individuals and as a family.
Please know we are currently offering autism therapy online due to the COVID-19 pandemic for California residents only.
Begin Online Autism Therapy in California
Autism therapy is a great tool to support neurodiverse individuals, parents, and families. At Open Doors Therapy, our hope is that you will find a community of individuals who truly understand what you or your child are going through and are rooting for your success. To begin online autism therapy in California, follow these steps:
- Contact us for a free phone consultation using this link. You will meet with our care coordinator.
- Like us on Facebook. On our page, we post useful information about our practice
- Sign up to receive our newsletter.
Autism Therapy Services offered at Open Doors Therapy:
Our autism therapy clinic located in the South Bay Area serves teens and adults on the autism spectrum. We help high functioning individuals who identify as having Aspergers, high functioning autism, undiagnosed autism traits, and their families.
Right now, we are providing all our autism counseling services online. Our autism therapists offer a variety of counseling services including individual counseling for autistic teens and adults, parent counseling, and group therapy. Also, we run several different social skills groups for neurodiverse working professionals, college students with autistic traits, gifted youth & caregivers, neurodiverse adults, women who identify as neurodiverse, a summer social skills college transition training program for youth transitioning to college, teens & caregivers, and a mothers group. Contact our autism therapy office for more information on our services or to schedule a consultation.
About the Author
Dr. Tasha Oswald is a trained developmental and clinical psychologist. She is also is the founder and director of Open Doors Therapy, a private practice specializing in autism therapy services in the South Bay Area, near San Francisco, CA. Dr. Oswald specializes in helping neurodiverse teens and adults and facilitating social skills groups.
