
Have you ever heard the quote “comparison is the thief of joy?” This popular quote from C.S. Lewis rings true, especially in the context of my work as an autism therapist. It’s very common for neurodivergent individuals to negatively compare themselves to neurotypicals. Even when they excel at something or possess a very important character trait, they downplay it because they don’t view it as being important. This comes from a lifetime of being compared to what neurotypicals deem appropriate or typical. The pressure of not being able to meet neurotypical standards eventually leads to shame and internal messages like “I’m defective” or “There’s something wrong with me.”
But, here’s the thing. There is nothing wrong with you. You have an autism profile. That means, your brain operates differently than others. That is okay. You are not broken or defective. You do not have to live up to or compare yourself to society’s neurotypical ideals of what is right or wrong. Instead, I want you to consider what it would take to live a life that will bring you joy and capitalize on the amazing strengths you possess as a neurodivergent individual.
Why Neurodivergent Individuals Compare Themselves to Neurotypicals
From infancy on you’ve been compared to neurotypical children. Your parents, medical professionals, educators, caregivers, etc. compared you to what society has deemed “typical” development. For example, when your parents took you to see a pediatrician when you were young they were likely asked a series of developmental questions to screen for any possible developmental concerns. This and other messages from society paint an image of what a child should or should not do and it communicates the belief that anything other than that needs correction.
This golden standard portrayal of the typical child is so ingrained in our society that it doesn’t leave room for differences to be celebrated. Instead, they are minimized or corrected. How many times did you hear “don’t act like that.” “be good.” “Why can’t you just act like everyone else?” or some variation of those phrases when you were young? Although they may not have been said in a mean way, it communicates a message that you are somehow flawed for being different.
There’s a popular phrase I want you to repeat after me; “You are not bad, a bad thing happened to you.” Now repeat it again. It’s that important.
During childhood when a bad thing happened to you (like being bullied or invalidated), you made a mistake or you lashed out at others. When this happened your behavior may have been corrected which led you to assume that what you did was wrong. If this situation happened more than once or twice, which it likely did, and you were corrected multiple times, then you’re likely to develop the internal belief “I am bad.”
It looks like this:
A bad thing happened → It’s my fault → A bad thing happened again → I must be bad.
Here’s a good example of what I mean:
Individuals with autism are often clumsy and have trouble with coordination. So, they often struggle athletically. This makes sports hard.
So imagine Bob* (fictional person) as a young boy. He struggled with activities that required good coordination like catching the ball, throwing the ball, etc. So, he was teased and bullied often in gym class. One day he simply couldn’t take it anymore and lash out. He threw a ball at his bully in a hostile way. His teachers and parents told him his actions were inappropriate and offered other ways to handle the situation next time. Perhaps, they even issued a punishment.
What message do you think Bob* internalized from this interaction?
He internalized the message “I am bad.”
But is Bob* actually bad? No. A bad thing happened to Bob.*
It’s normal and understandable that you would internalize this message. However, in my clinical work as an autism therapist, I help clients let go of “I am bad” so they can shift into understanding that “a bad thing happened to me.” All your life you’ve been compared to your neurotypical peers, but you’re neurodivergent and therefore your brain works differently. It’s not fair to ask you to live up to standards that are both set by and designed for neurotypicals. That’s simply a recipe for disappointment. You are not “bad.”
A large part of autism therapy and autism group therapy is learning how to reframe the trauma from the past and process the hurt that comes from being misunderstood and invalidated your whole life. We want you to think about interactions like Bob’s* in a new way so you can heal the wounds of the past that are causing you to doubt yourself and your strengths.
A Note for Autism Parents…
Now, I know there are some autism parents who read this blog and who may be thinking about all the times you inadvertently compared your neurodivergent child to their neurotypical peers. If this causes you to feel a sense of guilt, please don’t let that weigh you down. Comparison is normal and at times even subconscious. After all from those early doctors appointments, your child has been compared by professionals to “typically developing” children. So, it’s understandable that you would do the same.
But here’s the thing, you have an awesome opportunity here and now to change the way you interact with your child and the way you compare them to others. Allow for your child to really be themselves and praise them for the interests and skills they do have. For example, if you’re kiddo is really into playing video games, and it’s all they want to do and talk about. Engage with them and connect with them by learning more about their interest. Playing video games actually helps foster a bunch of skills like problem-solving, perseverance, concentration, and more that will help your child be successful.
So instead of asking your child to change to “fit in” with their neurotypical peers, allow them to be themselves. Teach tolerance and acceptance of others regardless of differences. This will help them feel confident as they move through life.
On the Autism Spectrum and Looking for Support?
If you struggle with comparing yourself to others, you are not alone. In fact, most people struggle with this from time to time throughout their life. But, when you add in trauma and invalidation, it’s a recipe for mental health struggles such as anxiety, depression, poor self-esteem, and loneliness. When this happens, it’s very beneficial to work with a mental health provider that understands autism and can help you find ways to move forward in your life in a healthy way. Our team of therapists offers a wide variety of autism therapy services to individuals living in California to help meet the needs of the neurodivergent community in our state.
Begin Autism Therapy or Online Autism Therapy in California
You don’t have to struggle with self-doubt and the pain of comparison without support. An autism therapist can help you overcome these feelings you can focus on the issues that matter most to you and living your life to the fullest. To begin autism therapy in Palo Alto, CA or online autism therapy in California, follow these steps:
- Contact us for a free phone consult.
- Like us on Facebook to stay updated on our practice.
- Sign up for our newsletter.
Or… Take an Autism E-Course
If you are not in California but are wanting support as an autistic individual or parent, there are options for you! Consider our sister website, Neurodiversity School. Check it out if you want to join an online community of neurodivergent peers. To get started, follow the following steps:
- Sign up for our newsletter
- Check your inbox for more information
- When the website launches, take the quiz and find out what course is right for you or your loved one!
Other Options at Open Doors Therapy for Individuals with Autism:
Our Palo Alto, CA-based Autism Therapy Clinic serves teens and adults on the autism spectrum. More specifically, our therapists support those who identify as high functioning, having Aspergers, and ASD traits. We are also proud to offer support to the families of those with an autism spectrum disorder.
Our services cover a wide range of challenges that individuals on the autism spectrum might experience. Our skilled autism therapists specialize in individual counseling for autistic teens and adults, parent counseling, group therapy, and countless social skills groups! Right now, we have groups for neurodiverse working professionals, college students with autistic traits, teens & caregivers, and gifted youth & caregivers. We also offer social skills groups for neurodiverse adults, women who identify as neurodiverse, a mothers group, and a summer social skills college transition training program for youth transitioning to college. Reach out to us for more information on our services or to schedule a consultation.