Autism Support During COVID-19: Parent Strategies to Help Your Young Adult or Child with Autism Handle Sheltering in Place

Welcome back to our blog series: Autism Support During the Pandemic. In my last blog, I wrote about how sheltering in place can actually reduce stress for neurodiverse teens and adults, due to less daily “social overload” or “sensory overload”. However, they may experience stress related to adjusting to online schooling or work, living in a time of uncertainty, and facing a global pandemic. Today, I would like to address the stress you, as their parent, may have in regards to them being home all day, every day.

Spending so much time with your child can make pre-existing problems in your relationship worse. This can lead to more conflict in your home. You might find your patience is wearing thin. Additionally, your teen or young adult on the spectrum might lose their temper or snap at you more often.

As a Parent of a Young Adult or Child with Autism, You Have Even More on Your Plate due to COVID-19

Most of our country has been advised to maintain social distancing and shelter in place. So now, you’re taking on a lot more at home than you’re used to. As a parent, you have to manage caring for your children when they used to be in school. And, you may be working from home. Furthermore, you may have to take on the new role of a homeschool educator. That’s a lot. You might be feeling emotionally drained and under-appreciated. Ultimately, your stress may have drastically increased as a result of COVID-19.

Adding to your strain, your teen or young adult with autism might need more emotional support during the COVID-19 crisis. The routine and structure they’re used to have disappeared and they are trying to cope with the changes in the world around them. So, I am going to offer you some strategies to emotionally support your child during this time. Then, I will talk about some strategies to manage your stress and emotions.

Strategies to Emotionally Support Your Neurodiverse Teen or Young Adult During the Coronavirus Pandemic

It sounds simple, but one of the most powerful things you can do for your child is listen to them. Listen as they express their fears and feelings. You’re eager to fix their problems and make them feel better. So, you might find yourself offering words of wisdom or encouragement before they’ve had a chance to tell you what’s wrong.

I know your desire to give advice comes from a very loving place. As a parent, you are deeply concerned about your child’s wellbeing. You want to do something to help your child. This drive to help them and fix their problems can build up inside. You might feel pressure in your chest, or the urgency to speak up and offer advice. It’s important to notice when this happens inside. Recognize your problem-solving is caused by your desire to jump in and help the person you love so much.

Below I want to discuss the alternatives to going into problem-solving mode. This might seem counter-intuitive. Also, my words below might seem too obvious or simple. I hope by the end of the article you can understand the deeper meaning. I hope you will walk away with some good strategies that can have a profound impact on your child, and allow you to help your child more effectively.

Listen to Your Young Adult or Teen on the Autism Spectrum

Before you go to that “fixing” step and jump into problem-solving mode, it is very important to let your child express their feelings and worries. Try not to interrupt them. Letting them get it all out can help them move on to the next step of doing something about it.

I’ve noticed that many of my teen clients with autism and autistic adults need to be heard. I mean really heard. I actively listen to them and let them speak. In fact, I find that if I try to offer words of encouragement too soon, they often reject what I have to say. It’s like they dig in their heels and want to prove things are as bad as they seem. They can get stuck in a loop saying over and over again how awful or intolerable their life is or the situation is.

So, when they first speak. I listen.

Validate Your Neurodiverse Child’s Feelings

Next, validate your child’s feelings. I try to reflect back to my clients with autism how deeply I understand their pain. Most of my clients, whether they are teens or adults with autism, struggle to identify and express their feelings. I spend a lot of time helping them in learning how to do this. But, I also work hard to identify and tell them that I understand they are feeling. I know I got it right when they immediately show a sense of relief. They no longer feel emotionally isolated. Someone in the universe has understood them. Being able to do this as a parent, can create positivity and warmth in your relationship with your child with autism.

A former client told me about how a small change can trigger anxiety for him. Then he went on to describe this more fully. He said something like it feels to him that the world is suddenly spinning out of control and is going to crash. Whoah! That description made it clear to me how incredibly scary and out of control he feels when there is a small change to his routine. I finally got it at a deeper emotional level. That forever changed my way of understanding how challenging change can be for him, and for many people with autism.

Once you really understand your child’s pain from their neurodiverse perspective, you can’t help but feel compassion for them.

When we understand our children’s emotional experience better, we will have more compassion and understanding of what they are going through. For people with autism, to be understood by their loved ones creates an incredible bond. It provides them with a sense of healing. In fact, I believe many problems my clients with autism have, such as depression and anxiety, are due in part to being misunderstood and criticized.

Empathize with the Struggles They’re Having

Next, empathize with your children. I empathize with my neurodiverse clients by relating how so many of my other autistic clients have similar struggles. Or how I myself have had similar problems to theirs.

Empathy helps normalize the situation. It helps them feel less isolated and alone. Honestly, feeling isolated is a common experience for people with autism. When I say isolated, I don’t just mean physically. I mean emotionally isolated. They feel like no one gets what they are going through or how hard their life is.

In my clinical private practice, I have worked with a lot of teens and adults with autism. Many of them, feel misunderstood or criticized by their parents and the world. This has shaken the very foundation of their self-esteem. It has led to feelings of inadequacy and negative self-worth. They feel like they are somehow wrong, defective, or broken. I spend time listening, validating and empathizing. This builds them back up, giving them confidence in their identity.