Dating for Neurodiverse Adults | Open Doors Theapy

Hello and welcome to my blog series on Dating for Neurodiverse Adults. Today, we are going to begin by talking about some things you can do to create a date that both you and your partner will enjoy.

When you’re autistic and single, you only have to be concerned with what you need and want. But, when you’re dating or in a relationship, it is important to consider what your partner needs or wants. This can be challenging, especially for neurodiverse adults who find perspective-taking does not come naturally to them. But, if you’re able to balance what you want with what your date wants, then you can have a great date and a successful relationship.

As a neurodiverse adult who is dating, you should plan for your dates.

Before the Date

When possible, you want your social battery to be fully charged before going on a date. Dating takes social energy. It’s important to know what depletes your social battery. If you know that you’re going to have a rough day and will feel drained by the end, then maybe it’s not the best day to go on a date. You just won’t have the energy to focus on another person and their social cues. For example, if you know you are going to be in back-to-back work meetings all day, and this depletes your social battery, then it may be best to reschedule your date. Pick a day that is less likely to drain your battery.

Before the date, take some time for self-care, especially if you’re nervous. Taking time to take care of your needs will help increase your social battery. At lunch, you could sit and read a book or meditate if that helps recharge your social battery. This will help you feel mentally ready to go on your date.

During the Date

During the date, try to do things to keep your social battery from depleting completely. This is when you should think about things you enjoy doing. Don’t choose an activity that will cause you stress. Find an activity that you find interesting and fun. This will keep your battery charged.

Making this change does not mean every activity you ever do on a date has to be something you’d enjoy. It is also important to keep your partner’s needs and desires in mind.

Think about what your partner wants to do.

Dates often will feel easiest and most fun if you’re doing an activity you both enjoy. Perhaps, you both love cooking? So, doing a cooking class together might be a fun date night.

But, your partner might enjoy certain activities you do not have an interest in. For instance, let’s say your partner likes watching basketball games, but you don’t. That’s where some helpful tips from an autism therapist might help!

Dating Tips for Neurodiverse Adults

First, make a list of 5 activities that both you and your partner enjoy doing
Next, make a list of 5 of your favorite activities that you really enjoy, but your date might not
Next, make a list of 5 of your partner’s favorite activities that they really enjoy, but you might not
Then, use the 3:1 ratio.

What is the 3:1 ratio for showing interest in a neurotypical partner?

3 out of 4 dates should involve activities you both enjoy. Then, one date should involve an activity that only one of you enjoy. Also, make sure to alternate the preferred activities. Sometimes it should be your preferred activity and sometimes it needs to be your partner’s preferred activity.

Going on a date that involves your partner’s preferred activity will likely be the hardest type of date for you. It will lack inherent interest for you. But, consider how much it means to your partner. This is something they enjoy doing and they want to share it with you.

When you are on a date doing their preferred activity, take it as an opportunity to get to know your partner better. Then, you will learn about what they value, what is fun for them, and why they love doing this particular activity. BUT, you must be willing to ask exploratory questions during the activity.

For instance, you might ask,

“When did you first become interested in this?”
“What do you like most about it?”
“Tell me about a time when you did this in the past?”
“Did you used to do this with your family? What was that like?”

If you treat this date as a great opportunity to learn about your partner, you will succeed. By showing care for them and doing their preferred activity, you have an opportunity to become closer to them. Ultimately, this will deepen the connection in your relationship.

As an adult on the autism spectrum, how do you tolerate doing an activity you don’t find interesting?

Keep at the forefront of your mind, why you’re doing the activity. It’s a way to learn about your partner and show them you care about their needs and desires. You are honoring them.
Ask your partner questions about the activity. This helps you learn more about them and the important role this activity plays in their life
Express to your partner how much you care about them, and want to do this to make them happy
Take brief self-care breaks. For instance, maybe you’re at a sporting event with them. Go to a bathroom stall for 5 minutes. Then, put on your headphones and listen to music or watch something on your phone. Be sure to set a timer so you don’t forget that this date is about honoring your partner and their interests.

Group Therapy for Neurodiverse Adults can help you practice social skills you can apply on your dates.

Open Doors Therapy in Palo Alto, CA offers a variety of social skills groups for adults on the autism spectrum. During these groups, we focus on learning and practicing a variety of social skills that will help you interact with your neurotypical peers without depleting your battery. These social skills can be applied to dating. During the group, you have an opportunity to practice these skills with your peers in a non-judgemental environment. This will help you feel comfortable using them in your day-to-day life and on your dates.

Social Skills Groups at Open Doors Therapy in the South Bay area:

Working Professionals Group for Aspie Adults:

During the Working Professional’s Group, we discuss the common workplace challenges autistic adults may encounter. During this group, we discuss building relationships, managing miscommunications, non-verbal communication, listening skills, perspective-taking, empathizing, and unwritten social rules. These skills are not only useful at work but in romantic relationships too.

Autistic Adult Group:

Our Adult Group for high-functioning autistic adults focuses on the unique struggles autistic adults face. In this group, we really focus on building relationships with others. Like the Working Professionals Group, we discuss building relationships, managing miscommunications, non-verbal communication, listening skills, perspective-taking, empathizing, and unwritten social rules. These are social skills are all useful in romantic relationships.

Our College Group includes high-functioning adults with autistic traits who go to a college or a university in the South Bay Area. Our College Group discusses the unique challenges that students with autism face at school. Additionally, we also talk about building relationships with neurotypical peers. The skills we practice during the group sessions will help college-age adults be successful on dates.

Neurodiverse Women’s Group:

Our Women’s Group is for high-functioning adult women with autism. During this group, we talk about what it is like to live with neurodiversity as a woman. The Women’s Group gives participants helpful skills to learn how to manage stress, address life and relationship problems, improve communication skills, make friends, build relationships, set and achieve goals, and problem-solve. These skills can be applied to forming romantic relationships.

If you’re unsure which group would be a good fit for you, please contact our clinic and schedule a consultation call. During this call, we will discuss the group therapy options we provide. Then, we will determine which group will best meet your needs.

Join an Autism Social Skills Group in Palo Alto, CA:

If you are an autistic adult looking for support, we have a group for you. Our social skills groups are designed to provide you with relevant tools you can use to help you navigate challenging social situations, like dating! To join an autism support group in the South Bay Area, follow these three steps:

Schedule a free 30-minute phone consultation using this link. During this consultation, we will work with you to find a group that will best fit your needs.
Like me on Facebook and stay up-to-date on our autism services.
Sign up to receive my newsletter for useful information about living with an Autism Spectrum Disorder.

Other Autism Services at Open Doors Therapy

Our Palo Alto/Bay Area autism therapy clinic serves teens and adults who have autistic traits. This includes individuals who identify as having Asperger’s, high functioning autism, undiagnosed autism traits, etc. and their families. We are proud to offer a variety of autism therapy services including individual counseling for autistic teens and adults, parent counseling, and group therapy. Additionally, our autism therapists offer several different social skills groups for neurodiverse working professionals, college students with autistic traits , gifted youth & caregivers , autistic adults, women who identify as neurodiverse, a summer social skills college transition training program for youth transitioning to college, teens & caregivers, and a mothers group. Contact our South Bay Area counseling office to learn more and schedule a free consultation.

About the Author

Dr. Tasha Oswald is a trained developmental and clinical psychologist. She is the founder and director of Open Doors Therapy, a private practice in Palo Alto, near San Francisco, CA. She specializes in working with teens and adults on the autism spectrum and facilitating social skills groups.

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Dating for Neurodiverse Adults: The Importance of Preferred Activities