Hello, welcome back to my blog series Dating For Neurodiverse Adults. We have discussed the importance of preferred activities, and ideas for date nights in the South Bay Area. Last week, we talked about how to approach new relationships. Today, we will talk about love languages and how they can help you better understand your partner.
The world-renowned book called “The 5 Love Languages” written by Gary Chapman gives insight and hope to millions struggling with romantic relationships. I decided to write about this book because understanding Chapman’s concepts can be helpful for autistic adults. What I like about this book is that it gives structure and concrete steps to help neurodiverse adults with dating and romantic relationships.
First, let’s define the 5 love languages. Then, I will explore how these can help you with your romantic life if you’re neurodiverse.
What are the 5 love languages, and how can they help neurodiverse adults?
The 5 love languages are ways that romantic partners express love and affection for each other. These are acts of service, gifts, quality time, physical touch, and words of affirmation. Everyone has their own unique experience of love. What makes you feel loved and cared for may not have the same impact on others. For instance, making breakfast in bed for your romantic partner may make them feel loved. But, if they did that in return for you it might not have the same impact. This is what Gary Chapman means by love languages. You want to “speak” the love language of your partner AND you want your partner to understand your love language. By doing so, your emotional intimacy, trust, and love for one another will grow.
Even if you are not dating now, this information can be useful. If you want a romantic relationship in the future, familiarizing yourself with the concepts of love languages can help you prepare for a romantic relationship.
I will explain each of the 5 love languages in turn. Let’s consider this example as we explore the languages:
“Your romantic partner had a long stressful day and you want to show them you love and care for them.”
Acts of Service
An act of service is doing something for your romantic partner that you know makes them feel special and cared for. It’s important to understand your partner’s perspective of what makes them feel special and cared for. You want to do something that they want you to do. Something they really like. For the above example, you could make them a home-cooked meal after their hard day.
Gifts
Gift-giving makes your romantic partner feel like you thought about them. They know you care enough to buy them something special and unique they would like. The trick, of course, is giving them gifts they want! Gifts can range from low-cost to expensive. Mix it up and consider your budget. Pay attention to when they say things like, “I wish I had…”, “life would be easier if I had…”, “oh, I just love that!…”
In that moment or soon after, grab your cell phone and write down what they were talking about. You don’t want to forget it. When you later give them that gift, your partner will likely feel deeply touched. They will feel loved because you not only noticed what they said, you put it in the effort to buy it and offer it as a gift. For our example, your partner returns home after a stressful day and you give them a gift of lotion with a scent they like or their favorite candies.
Quality Time
Quality time happens when you give your partner your undivided attention. This is how you express to them that you are prioritizing them over all else right now. This can mean a lot to them. If you’re an autistic adult, it can be hard for you to give your partner attention because you may have strong special interests, passions, or are focused on your work. In our example, when your partner returns home after a difficult day, you give them your full attention and ask about their day.
Physical Touch
There are many forms of physical touch that can be expressions of love. This includes hugging, cuddling, kissing, massaging, and intercourse. If you are neurodiverse, you might have sensory sensitivities. You might like heavy pressure. So having your partner do deep tissue massage on you or give you a strong hug could be really nice. Or, you might be hypersensitive and not like to be touched with heavy pressure. It’s important to consider what kind of touch your partner likes, and what kind of touch you like and/or can tolerate. For our example, when your partner returns home after a hard day, you give them a back massage.
Words of Affirmation
Words of affirmation express to your partner your appreciation for them being in your life and for the things they do for you and your family. This includes compliments and unexpected praise. Many people with autism I work with do not like words of praise or being the center of attention. Therefore, this can be a love language that is hard for them to speak to their partner. It can cause them to feel uncomfortable. It’s important to remember why you’re even doing this. You’re doing this because you want to express to your partner that you care about them and love them. You can write down words of affirmation and repeat them in your mind if this makes it easier for you to say them to your partner. In our example, when your partner returns home after a stressful day, you can tell them how much you appreciate how hard they work.
Being aware of which of these 5 love languages is your primary love language and your partner’s primary love language is crucial for building a nurturing and loving relationship.
As an adult with autism, it’s important to know YOUR primary love language
Yes, we’ve done a lot of focusing on your partner here. Now, let’s focus on you.
I want you to just pause for a moment and consider, do you have a strong sense of what your primary love language is? If not, you can take a love language online quiz to find out. Think about it this way, how can your partner really make you happy and nurture you if they don’t know what your primary love language is? So take the quiz and find out!
These 5 languages of love are different ways you and your partner can communicate your love for each other. Consider giving them examples of things they could do that would “speak” your love language.
Partner-Awareness: Know Your Partner’s Primary Love Language
Actively choosing to speak your partner’s love language will nurture and support your relationship. Pause for a moment and consider, if you have a current or former romantic partner, what is their primary love language. Were you able to answer this question? Was it easy or hard to answer?
Being in tune with your partner’s love language is crucial. Why? Well honestly you can work REALLY hard to express your love to them, but they may not feel loved if you are not speaking their love language.
As a neurodiverse person, you can feel defeated, hopeless, uninspired, and rejected if you try to express love to your partner, but they just don’t seem to receive it. You might feel like you can never please them. Your attempts to nurture, support, and love them seem to go unnoticed, or worse are actively rejected by your partner.
You can request your partner to take the 5 Love Languages Quiz too. When you ask them to take the quiz, express that you want them to feel loved and knowing their love language will help you express your love in ways that are meaningful to them.
TIP: If your romantic partner has a confidant, like a best friend or family member, you can also ask them for advice on how to speak your partner’s love language. They can help you brainstorm some great ideas!
If you’re looking for an opportunity to learn social skills that can help you in romantic relationships, group therapy for adults with autism can help!
Our therapy clinic in Palo Alto, CA offers a variety of social skills groups for high functioning autistic adults. During these groups, we learn and practice a variety of social skills that will help you interact with your peers without draining your battery. The social skills you will learn can be applied to dating. Practicing these skills will help you feel comfortable using them in your day-to-day life and on dates.
Social Skills Groups at Open Doors Therapy in the South Bay area:
Working Professionals Group:
During the Working Professional’s Group, we talk about common difficulties young autistic professionals often have. During this group, we discuss building relationships, managing miscommunications, non-verbal communication, listening skills, perspective-taking, empathizing, and unwritten social rules. The social skills we learn and practice, are useful outside of work, especially on dates.
Adult Group:
Our Adult Group for high-functioning adults on the spectrum examines the challenges neurodiverse adults have in their day-to-day lives. We put a great deal of focus on building relationships with others. Like the Working Professionals Group, we discuss relationships, miscommunications, non-verbal communication, listening skills, perspective-taking, empathizing, and unwritten social rules. These are all helpful skills to have in a relationship.
College Group:
Our College Group includes high-functioning students with autistic traits who attend a college or a university in the South Bay Area. Our College Group discusses the unique challenges that might have. We also talk about building relationships. The relationship skills we talk about will help college-age adults be successful in building romantic relationships as well.
Women’s Group:
Our Women’s Group is for high-functioning autistic or aspie women. During this group, we talk about what it’s like to be a neurodiverse woman. The Women’s Group gives participants skills to manage stress, address life and relationship problems, work on communication skills, make friends, form relationships, make and achieve goals, and problem-solve. The social skills we discuss can be applied to romantic relationships and dating.
If you’re unsure which group would be a good fit for you, please call our clinic and schedule a consultation call. During this call, we will discuss our group therapy options and determine which group will best meet your needs.
Join an Autism Social Skills Group for Neurodiverse Adults in Palo Alto, CA:
If you are an autistic adult looking for support, we have a group for you. Our social skills groups will give you tools you can use to navigate challenging social situations, including dating! To join a neurodiverse support group in Palo Alto/South Bay Area, follow these three steps:
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Schedule a free 30-minute phone consultation using this link. During this consultation, we will help you to find a group.
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Sign up to receive my newsletter for useful information about living with an Autism Spectrum Disorder.
Other Services for the Neurodiverse at Open Doors Therapy
Our Palo Alto/Bay Area autism counseling clinic serves teens and adults on the autism spectrum. This includes high functioning individuals who identify as having Aspergers, high functioning autism, undiagnosed autism traits, etc. and their families. We are proud to offer a variety of autism counseling services including individual counseling for autistic teens and adults, parent counseling, and group therapy. Additionally, our autism therapists offer several different social skills groups for neurodiverse working professionals, college students with autistic traits, gifted youth & caregivers, autistic adults, women who identify as neurodiverse, a summer social skills college transition training program for youth transitioning to college, teens & caregivers, and a mothers group. Please call or email our South Bay Area counseling office for more information or to schedule a consultation.
