Our culture places a lot of importance on relationships.
We see romantic relationships everywhere we look. It may be in movies, TV shows, music, or even just walking down the street. It’s no wonder that so many of us think that having a romantic relationship is one of the most important things in life.
Yet, we often don’t place this much importance on our relationships with ourselves. Even though we spend more time with ourselves than anyone else!
Before you start looking for a relationship with someone else, it’s important that you spend some time turning inward. This means learning more about yourself. This can be a difficult and daunting task for many. One of the reasons you may be looking for a relationship is because it’s hard for you to spend time by yourself. But knowing yourself and having respect for yourself is essential to our wellbeing, and the stability of our relationships with others!
This is important for everyone. But, for neurodiverse individuals, it’s particularly relevant so that you can show up authentically in your relationships.
That is why we’re using this blog to talk about the importance of knowing yourself before you enter into a relationship with someone else.
The Challenges of Dating as a Neurodiverse Person
Dating has its challenges for everyone. It can be difficult to set boundaries, navigate conflict, and be yourself! This can be especially challenging for neurodiverse individuals who were taught that they should mask who they are.
People on the autism spectrum, for example, may have been told by “well-meaning” family and friends that they need to act “normal” to be successful in relationships. This is very damaging, as it leads to a lot of shame and self-doubt. It can also make it very hard to date if you’re always second-guessing yourself and wondering if you’re doing it “right”.
This is why it’s so important for neurodiverse individuals to get to know themselves before they enter into a relationship.
You need to have a strong sense of self-acceptance. And, a clear understanding of what you need in a relationship. This will help you to communicate your expectations, set boundaries, and feel confident in showing up authentically in relationships.
Why Knowing Yourself Is So Important in Relationships
I‘ve already listed a few reasons that knowing yourself is important in creating healthy relationships. But let’s dive a bit deeper!
One mistake that I see many neurodiverse people make when they first start dating is going into it with the idea that it’s all about the other person.
They think that their job is to make the other person happy, and they ignore their own needs as a result. You may be tempted to try and mold yourself into someone you think the other person wants you to be.
At first, this might seem like it’s “working” because you’re receiving attention and validation from the other person. But this is not sustainable, and it’s not healthy! In time, you will become burnt out if you try to mold yourself into someone you aren’t or try masking your needs.
It’s important to remember that relationships are not one-sided. You and your needs matter as much as your partner’s. In fact, a healthy relationship is only possible when both partners feel seen, heard, and valued.
If you don’t have a strong sense of self-worth and self-identity it will be hard for you to create sustainable, healthy relationships with others.
Another way that knowing yourself is important in relationships is that it helps you understand your biases. See, we all have past experiences that contribute to how we perceive things. If you have a clear idea of your own “lens” for perceiving the world around you, it’ll be easier for you to understand how that lens may be distorting your perceptions.
Let’s use an example! If you’ve been mistreated in past relationships with family, friends, or peers, then you may go into relationships with the idea that you’re going to be mistreated again. Many people don’t even realize that they’ve been mistreated. As a result, they don’t recognize how it may impact their perception. But, if you’ve had people reduce your experiences, expect you to conform, or not respect your boundaries, that’s a form of mistreatment.
Knowing this about yourself will help you to be more aware of how your past experiences may be impacting the way you see things in your current relationships.
The person you’re dating may make a comment that they think is a compliment. But you find it hurtful because it reminds you of something someone said in a hurtful way in the past. If you’re aware of how your past experiences may be impacting your current perception, it will be easier for you to communicate with your partner about how their comment made you feel.
On that note, let’s get into our tips for communicating your needs and expectations when you’re dating!
How to Put Your Knowledge About Yourself to Use
Now if you’ve spent time turning inward and learning more about yourself, you should put that knowledge to use to create healthy and sustainable relationships with others. But, it can be challenging to do this, especially if you’re used to putting other people’s needs first. Here are a few pieces of advice that may help.
As a neurodiverse person, it’s important to communicate your needs so that others can understand and respect them.
This can be difficult if you’re not used to asserting yourself, but it will get easier with practice. I’ll use an example to show you one way you might do this. Let’s say that your social battery is a bit different than your partner’s. They may be able to spend an entire day socializing with others. But, you need some time to decompress and spend time with yourself.
If they don’t know this about you then they might not understand why you need some time alone after spending time with others. They may even think that it’s a problem with them or that you must not like spending time with them. However, if you explain that socializing drains your battery and you need some quiet time to recharge, they can be more understanding and accommodating.
Similarly to communicating your needs, it’s a good idea to also set realistic expectations in your relationships.
Many neurodiverse individuals have sensory sensitivities that neurotypical people may not be aware of. This could be a sensitivity to noise or physical touch. And if someone you’re dating doesn’t know this then they may assume that you don’t like them if you push them away when touched. But masking your sensory sensitivities can lead to you feeling overwhelmed and stressed. So, that’s not a good idea either.
That’s why it’s important to explain your needs and expectations early on in the relationship. This way they can be more understanding and considerate of your sensory sensitivities. It can be challenging to advocate for yourself. At first, it may seem easier to mask your needs. But you don’t need to do this.
It’s very freeing when you can be your authentic self in relationships, and have that be honored and respected.
You are deserving of healthy and fulfilling relationships. But before you enter a relationship, I encourage you to take some time to turn inward. Learn more about yourself so you can show up in your relationships as your authentic self.
If you need support, therapy for neurodiverse adults can help.
At Open Doors Therapy our therapists specialize in neurodiverse-affirming care. We can support you in your journey of self-discovery and self-acceptance. Our therapists offer individual therapy online so you can work with a therapist from the comfort of your own home from anywhere in California or Illinois. But, we also offer online groups if you’re interested in learning more about your identity in a group of other neurodiverse people who understand your experiences.
If you’re interested in learning more about our services, you can follow these steps:
- Reach out to our autism therapy practice to schedule a free phone consultation
- Meet with our team for an online intake meeting to assess which services are best for you
- Gain support as you learn more about yourself and your needs
Other Therapy Services Offered with Open Doors Therapy
We understand you may be experiencing other mental health concerns unrelated to dating. This is why we are happy to offer support with a variety of mental health services. In addition to individual therapy and group therapy, we also offer parent coaching and family therapy too. We also offer a wide range of groups such as our group for college students with autistic traits, young adults with autism, neurodiverse adults, women who identify as neurodiverse, a mother’s group, and an online parent support group. You can learn more about our services by reaching out or visiting our blog today!
About the Author
Dr. Tasha Oswald is the founder and director of Open Doors Therapy, a private practice that specializes in therapy services for neurodiverse adults, teens, and their families. She is also a trained therapist who has worked with many neurodiverse people who are navigating the world of dating. That is why she’s passionate about providing affirming and educational resources to neurodiverse individuals and their families.
