Your hands get clammy and you can’t stop shaking your leg. You know you need to stay present, but you keep going inward and freezing. Your brain seems to be running in slow motion or too fast, and you can’t process anything that’s said. If this sounds familiar as a woman with autism, trust me. You’re not alone.
In my last article, I talked about medical mistrust and touched on how autistic women are commonly invalidated and misunderstood by medical professionals. This can lead them to feel hurt and shut down.
This week we are going to explore the modality I use as a therapist to validate, support, and empower autistic women. I’ll discuss how it explains what happens in your body when you just. . . shut down and how IFS can help.
What is Internal Family Systems?
Internal Family Systems (IFS) is a therapy modality that I have found is very effective in working with neurodiverse women. It helps autistic women get more in touch with their feelings, needs, desires, and identity. As a therapist, I commonly hear autistic women say, “I don’t know how I’m feeling.” However, when we explore it further, it’s more that she has mixed or contradictory emotions or desires, and so this confuses her. She also might feel numb and it takes some loving kindness and patience for her to become aware of other feelings beneath the layer of numbness.
IFS is a compassionate and accepting process that does not force or rush a person. IFS helps a person acknowledge and connect with the different parts of themselves in a self-compassionate way. This can lead to healing and feeling more confident and balanced.
In short, IFS thinks that all people have parts. When people describe their mixed emotions or desires, they are naturally describing their parts. A person might say, “Part of me feels angry, but another part of me feels sad.” Or, “Part of me feels guilty, but another part of me feels like it’s their fault!” IFS identifies those parts and how they operate within us. Think about when you’ve had mixed desires. Like when part of you wants to be social, but another part of you just wants to stay home and be alone. You might feel mixed up, stuck, and confused by your inner experience because of these different parts. With IFS, your mixed feelings and desires no longer feel confusing. They make sense, you treat yourself with compassion, and you gain the confidence and clarity to move forward.
The 3 Types of Parts
IFS, in a simple yet comprehensive way, explains how your brain and body react to protect you from being hurt by others. There are 3 types of parts which, when balanced help you navigate the world and when unbalanced can be a bit of a headache. These parts are:
Vulnerable Parts (“Exiles”)
Your vulnerable parts, also known as “exiles”, are those parts of you that are tender. When in a balanced state, they tend to be open-hearted, loving, playful, and fun. When you do something that fills you with childlike joy or you feel like you had a heart-to-heart talk with someone, that is a vulnerable part coming up. These types of parts help you have vulnerable conversations, build intimacy, and trusting relationships. Because these parts of us can be so open and tender, they are the first to get hurt when others criticize or shame us. When these vulnerable parts get hurt, like from being socially rejected, they can stir up intense pain within your body and emotions. If that pain is not healed, then other parts of yourself try to protect you from getting hurt again. These protector parts may try to “exile” away that vulnerable part, in order to protect you from further pain. Firefighter and manager parts are our protectors that try to come in to save the day (or not).
Firefighter Parts
Firefighter parts are your brain’s superheroes. Except, they don’t always save the day in the best way possible. Some people go to anger or yell when their firefighter parts kick in. Others shut down and disconnect from the world around them. More often than not, people do a little bit of both depending on the vulnerability that has been poked. It’s also possible that in an attempt to avoid the shutdown firefighters, the angry firefighters come “to the rescue” instead.
Firefighter parts are not bad, they are how you avoid pain. We can all learn to lessen our knee-jerk reaction. Plus, we can learn that when we have these firefighter parts flare up, we are feeling hurt. As a result, we need to acknowledge that pain and learn how to listen to our Self in those moments.
Manager Parts
Your manager parts are the parts that come into play after the fire is doused. The overthinking part of you. You know what I’m talking about. The nights spent lying in bed replaying conversations wondering how you could have worded that in a different way so it wouldn’t have been misinterpreted. . . That’s a manager part in the action. Manager parts are there to help prevent the pain. But, I like to think of her as stepping in after the fire is out and she goes “oh wow, how can we avoid this next time?!” That hurt a lot, let’s prevent that pain!
Manager parts are beautiful in that they are your list taking, note writing, coping skills galore parts. They know how to get things done and do so in a wonderful way (even if allistic people don’t see how wonderful they work).
Self
The Self is not a part, the self simply is. I know, that sounds woo-y, but it’s true. The self is like the sun, and the parts are like the clouds. Even when the clouds are covering the sun, you still know it’s there, even if it’s in the background. Your Self has qualities, such as self-compassion, and is gentle and loving, even when you’re not perfect. The Self sheds light on the vulnerable parts. It helps you set down the pain and move forward in a compassionate, loving way.
How does the IFS model explain my brain shutting down?
So, we have these 3 types of parts and the Self. How in the world does that relate to why I shut down in the doctor’s office?
First of all, you feel hurt from not being listened to on an emotional level. Autistic women are historically not listened to, both on an individual and a collective level. It’s not a one-time pain, it’s years upon years of being disregarded. This pain of not being listened to gets triggered and BOOM, firefighter parts show up. For autistic women, this is often in the “freeze” of fight, flight, or freeze. The firefighter part shows up to “save the day” and before you can even process that you were hurt, you shut down. You can’t flee, so you go on the inside and disconnect from your body. You freeze and your brain just. . . stops.
What can you do when your firefighter parts go haywire?
This is when you pull in those coping techniques we talked about in the last blog post!
Write it down – Use your manager parts and write down what you need to bring up. By doing so, you’re prepared and can stay aware while you are seeing your doctor.
Bring a loved one – someone who can help you stay grounded and help you advocate for yourself
Most importantly, connect with your Self energy before, during, and after the medical appointment. When you access Self, you can give yourself compassion in the moment when you feel emotionally hurt by your medical provider. You can stay grounded in your truth, remembering that you know your body best. This can then empower you to advocate for health with clarity and calm. Everyone has Self energy, and learning how to access Self may be a process. But, it can be the most powerful, healing, and life changing thing you ever learn to do.
Consider IFS for Women with Autism in Illinois or California
Our team of caring therapists has the experience and training to offer support for women with autism in a variety of ways. We provide both online and in-person services from our Palo Alto, CA-based therapy office. We also offer online therapy in California and Illinois. To start your therapy journey, please follow these simple steps:
- Reach out to our autism therapy practice to schedule a free phone consultation
- Meet with us for a 1-hour online intake meeting with an autism specialist to get an idea of which services will be the best fit for you.
- Begin receiving the support you deserve!
Other Services Offered at Open Doors Therapy
Our online autism therapy clinic offers a variety of support for neurodiverse individuals in California and Illinois. Our team provides a variety of services for individuals that identify as having Asperger’s, high functioning autism, undiagnosed autism traits, and more. Feel free to visit our Autism Resources page for info on how we can offer support alongside our mental health services. We offer individual therapy, parent counseling, and group therapy. We also offer social skills groups. These are for college students with autistic traits, young adults with autism, neurodiverse adults, women who identify as neurodiverse, a mother’s group, and an online parent support group. Learn more about our services by reaching out or visiting our blog today!
