Learning how to untangle and move forward from shame is a challenging experience for many neurodiverse people. Your journey towards understanding autism, your experiences of prejudice, and societal expectations can all impact your relationship with shame. This is not always true. But, many neurodiverse women share these experiences. In turn, they share common challenges in overcoming shame. Discussing these challenges and the steps you can take to overcome them is the first step in beginning to heal the shame you may feel.
Women’s Experiences of Understanding Their Neurodiverse Identity
Understanding your own identity as a neurodiverse person is very important to anyone on the autism spectrum. There is no perfect way to come to understand that you’re on the autism spectrum. But, having your experiences be overlooked or outright ignored is not a great start.
In the past, women have been misdiagnosed and underdiagnosed when it comes to autism. This is in part because autism was thought to mainly affect boys and men for many years. But, this isn’t the only reason. Masking, medical bias, and a lack of understanding about how autism presents itself among women all play a role in misdiagnoses and underdgiagnoses. And as a result of these factors, many women don’t realize that they are neurodiverse until adulthood.
How does this impact autistic women?
Growing up without understanding your neurodiverse traits can lead to feelings of confusion and shame. You may come to think that there is something wrong with you or that you can’t trust your own experiences and instincts.
If you’ve been dismissed or invalidated by authority figures in your life such as doctors, you may have trouble advocating for yourself. Which can make it difficult to set boundaries or express your needs.
However, the challenge of understanding that you’re neurodiverse isn’t the only factor that shapes autistic women’s experience of shame.
Messages That You Hear as a Neurodiverse Woman
From a very young age, women are bombarded with messages about how they should look, behave, and feel. These messages come from the media, our families, friends, and society at large. Now, boys and men aren’t excluded from this experience. But, the lessons they learn may look a bit different.
For example, women and girls may be perceived as being moody or irrational when they express strong feelings. They may also be shamed for not being “ladylike” or adhering to traditional gender norms.
As a result, neurodiverse women often have the challenge of navigating these messages while also trying to understand and accept their autistic traits.
If you have sensory sensitives and struggle with wearing certain clothing, you may have been taught that you didn’t look “feminine enough”. Or, if you were having an autistic meltdown you may have been told that you were simply being moody or dramatic.
This can be especially challenging in academic settings or in the workplace where many women already have a difficult time gaining respect.
Internalizing Shame as a Neurodiverse Women
When you continuously have your experiences dismissed or shamed, you begin to internalize that shame. You start to believe those same things that you hear and see in your life. You may begin to believe that you shouldn’t speak up for yourself, or that you need to hide who you are. Internalized shame can lead to self-doubt, a strong inner critic, and a desire to change yourself.
Shame is very destructive to our sense of self and our daily lives. However, you don’t have to live under the weight of shame forever.
Moving Away from Shame
It may not come easy. But, there are steps you can take to move away from shame and towards self-compassion and understanding instead.
One of those steps is learning more about neurodiversity and your own identity.
Reading or listening to other people’s experiences, learning more about autism among women, and spending time learning about your unique experiences can offer you affirmation and understanding. This can also help you to build self-awareness and trust in your experiences and feelings. And if you trust your feelings, you’ll have an easier time advocating for those feelings.
Another important step is learning to have compassion and acceptance for yourself as a neurodiverse woman.
Practicing self-compassion and love is difficult for many people. But practice makes progress! Remember, your goal shouldn’t be to change who you are to fit into neurotypical standards. It should be to understand, accept, and love yourself for who you are.
If you’re having a difficult time with this, that’s okay. Self-compassion includes acknowledging when you may need support. Working with a neurodiverse-affirming therapist can help you build self-compassion and acceptance, so you can begin to overcome shame.
Find Neurodiverse-Affirming Care in California or Illinois
If you want support in learning more about your neurodiverse identity or how to move away from shame, our therapists are here to help.
At Open Doors Therapy, we offer individual therapy for neurodiverse adults and teens.
Our therapists can meet with you from anywhere in California or Illinois via online therapy. By doing so, you can receive affirming care from the comfort of your home.
We also offer online support groups so you can hear from other people who share your experiences.
- Reach out to our autism therapy practice to schedule a free phone consultation.
- Meet with one of our therapists for a 1-hour online intake meeting to figure out which our services are right for you.
- Gain support as you learn how to move away from shame and towards self-acceptance.
Other Services Offered with Open Doors Therapy
We are happy to offer a variety of services across California and Illinois. Our team understands you may have other mental health concerns while working to understand your neurodiverse identity. This is why we also offer individual therapy and group therapy, we also offer parent coaching, and family therapy too. We also offer a wide range of groups such as our group for college students with autistic traits, young adults with autism, neurodiverse adults, women who identify as neurodiverse, a mother’s group, and an online parent support group. You can learn more about our services by reaching out or visiting our blog today!
About the Author
Dr. Tasha Oswald is the founder and director of Open Doors Therapy, a private practice that specializes in therapy services for neurodiverse adults, teens, and their families. She is also a trained therapist who has worked with many neurodiverse people who are navigating the world of dating. That is why she’s passionate about providing affirming and educational resources to neurodiverse individuals and their families.