Everyone struggles with feelings of shame now and then. But, shame is especially prevalent in the lives of neurodiverse people and others with autism. Shame can be triggered by other people, cultural expectations, and sometimes even our inner critic. It’s a powerful emotion that can have a negative impact on our lives in many ways. In this blog post, we will discuss the origins of shame and its unique effects on neurodiverse people. Plus, how you can begin to overcome shame through self-acceptance.
What Causes Feelings of Shame?
Shame starts as an external force. It originates from people or experiences that make us feel like we are not good enough or that we are “wrong”. Shame can come in the form of hurtful comments from strangers or peers. Or, it can come from well-intending family members. For example, if a parent tries to teach you how to “mask” your behavior they may think it’s to protect you from shame from others. They may have had “good intentions.” But, that behavior can actually lead you to believe that something is wrong with you.
That is how shame goes from being an external force to an internal force. When you experience shame from others, you begin to internalize that feeling. Until, in time, you start shaming yourself.Everyone struggles with this at some point in their life. But, for neurodiverse people, the experience of shame can feel constant. This is because neurodiverse people often face discrimination and exclusion in their everyday lives. They’re asked to conform to neurotypical standards and essentially change who they are. This creates shame in neurodiverse individuals around their differences. And that shame can be crippling.
The Impact of Shame on Our Lives
When we experience shame to the point that we internalize it, it can have damaging effects on our lives. We start living our lives to avoid shame.
Negative Effects of Shame
You might stop doing the things you enjoy because you’re afraid that it’s embarrassing. Or, you may struggle with communication because you don’t want to be shamed for how you speak or behave. People-pleasing is also a common response to shame. You may since think putting others’ needs before your own will protect you from shame.
When we live our lives to avoid shame, we essentially stop living in an authentic way.
Developing an inner critic
Internalized shame also manifests as a very strong inner critic. This is the voice in your head that tells you that you’re not good enough, smart enough, or worthy of love and acceptance. This inner critic can be so loud and persistent that it’s hard to ignore. As a result, many neurodiverse people struggle with low self-esteem and feelings of worthlessness.
Almost all neurodiverse individuals struggle with shame in some way in their life. But, the cause and impact of it are actually dependent on who you are and where you are in life.
Shame is Dependent on Other Factors
No one is “immune” from shame. But, the form of shame and how it manifests in your life can depend upon your age, gender identity, and other factors.
How Shame Impacts Teens on the Spectrum
It’s already hard to be a teen. There is a lot of pressure to “fit in”, look the “right way”, and behave in certain ways. Bullying is also prevalent in school settings. This can result in shame from the peers around you. And when you’re a teen it’s not as easy to understand, process, and cope with shame. Your brain is still developing and you don’t quite have the same coping mechanisms as adults do.
Neurodiverse teens are especially susceptible to shame. This is because, like all teens, they are going through huge changes in their bodies and minds. They’re trying to figure out who they are and where they fit into the world. This is especially hard when you feel like you have to meet neurotypical standards or expectations.
How Shame Impacts Adults on the Spectrum
The pressure to “fit in” doesn’t exactly go away when you become an adult. For some, it may even feel worse. You might be expected to have a job, find a partner, and live independently. And if you don’t meet those milestones, you may feel like something is wrong with you.
So while the experience of shame may change, it’s still there. Adults on the spectrum often face discrimination in the workplace. They may also experience exclusion from social activities as well. If you’ve experienced years of this, you may have developed unhealthy coping mechanisms to deal with shame.
How Shame Impacts Women on the Spectrum
Women on the spectrum face a unique set of challenges when it comes to shame. Often women don’t realize they are on the spectrum until adulthood because it’s not as “visible”. This may be because the diagnostic criteria are based on mostly male characteristics. As a result, women and girls don’t receive as much support early on. It may also be due to masking, which itself can lead to shame.
This lack of diagnosis can result in a lot of thoughts and feelings of shame for women. They may feel like something is wrong with them, but they don’t know what it is. So, they might think they’re “broken” or “weird”. And this can lead to a lot of self-doubt and isolation.
This isn’t to say that men on the spectrum don’t also struggle with shame. They certainly do! But, the experience is often different for women. This is because of the unique challenges they face.
How Shame Impacts Parents of Neurodiverse Children (and Their Children)
Parents of neurodiverse children also face their own challenges when it comes to shame. They might feel shamed by other parents, teachers, or even strangers. People might tell them that they’re doing something wrong. Or, that their child will never be “normal”. This can lead to a lot of self-doubt and worry.
As I mentioned before, parents might also try to “protect” their children from shame. They might do this by teaching them to mask or not talk about their neurodiversity. But, this actually causes more shame in the long run. Their child may internalize this and come to believe that Autism is something to be ashamed of. Or, that they have to change to please the people around them.
If you are a parent and have struggled with this, please know that you are not a horrible person. You are only trying to protect your child. It’s hard to know what’s best, and often you are only trying to do what you believe is best for your child. That is why it’s so important to seek education to learn more about neurodiversity. By doing so, you can better understand how to best support your child.
Remember, your child doesn’t need to change because of societal expectations. Societal expectations need to change. Your child needs to feel loved and supported.
Shame Impacts Us All
Shame can have a profound impact on all neurodiverse people. It can lead to self-doubt, isolation, and even depression. But, shame isn’t an inevitable part of neurodiversity. You can work through and overcome shame to live a more authentic and fulfilling life.
Overcoming Shame
Recognize how shame is impacting your life
The first step to overcoming shame is recognizing that it’s there. Once you’re aware of how shame is impacting your life, you can begin to work through it. Reading this blog is a great first step to educating yourself on what shame is and how it manifests in your life. But, recognizing shame doesn’t put an end to it.
Practice self-acceptance, compassion, and respect
I believe the opposite of shame is self-compassion, self-acceptance, and self-respect. When you have compassion, acceptance, and respect for yourself you are less likely to believe in and internalize your shame. Compassion is recognizing that you are struggling and giving yourself the grace to do so. Acceptance is acknowledging that neurodiversity is a part of who you are. And, realizing that you don’t need to change who you are. Respect is having pride in yourself and your accomplishments, even if they seem small to others.
All these need some practice, but they will get easier with time. I encourage you to start with small steps and be patient with yourself. Remember, you are worthy of love and respect as you are.
Begin Online Therapy for Autism in Illinois and California
Do you believe you’re struggling with shame as a neurodiverse person? If so, you may want to consider counseling. Our caring counselors specialize in working with neurodiverse teens and adults. As a result, so we understand how shame can have unique impacts on neurodiverse people of all ages. Counseling can help you process and work through your shame. Working with a counselor can also help you to become more compassionate and accepting of yourself. If you’re interested in beginning counseling with Open Doors Therapy, you can follow these steps:
- Reach out to our autism therapy practice to schedule a free phone consultation
- Meet with us for a 1-hour online intake meeting with an autism specialist. This helps us decide which services are best for you
- Begin working with an autism therapist
Other Services Offered with Open Doors Therapy
We know there are many issues that can arise from those with neurodiverse minds. This is why our team is happy to offer support with a variety of mental health services. These services include support for those with Asperger’s, high functioning autism, undiagnosed autism traits, and more. We also offer individual therapy, parent counseling, and group therapy. In addition, we also offer social skills groups. These include college students with autistic traits, young adults with autism, neurodiverse adults, women who identify as neurodiverse, a mother’s group, and an online parent support group. Please feel free to visit our Autism Resources page for info and helpful resources. Learn more about our services by reaching out or visiting our blog today!
