Sometimes, you might notice that there are moments in your relationship where you end up feeling overwhelmed or emotionally drained.
You may be masking around your partner to hide your autistic traits. Or you might be experiencing burnout from trying to navigate the neurotypical world. These experiences can have a significant impact on your relationship, causing misunderstandings and conflicts. However, it’s essential to understand that these challenges are not a reflection of your worth as an individual or partner. They are a result of societal expectations and the difficulties of masking and autistic burnout.
Yet, when you get so burnt out, you need time to rest and recover. But it’s hard to explain this need to your partner, who may not fully understand the concept of autistic burnout. This can lead to feelings of guilt and shame for needing time away from your relationship. They know you’re autistic. But they may not fully understand the impact of masking and autistic burnout on your mental and emotional well-being. Or how it can impact the dynamic of your relationship.
Masking and Its Impact on Relationships
When you’ve worn the mask and tried to process other’s emotions for so long, it can lead to your nervous system going into overdrive. You may feel overwhelmed with emotions, have difficulty concentrating, or experience physical symptoms such as headaches or stomach aches. This can make it even harder to maintain masking and continue in social situations. And when you get home, all you want to do is rest and recover from the mental strain of masking. It’s as if you have run out of fuel, but your neurotypical partner may not understand this feeling. That everything that may be asked of you is impossible at that moment, even at a biological level.
Maybe it’s a time of year when there are a lot of social events to attend. Or your partner wants to do something that requires a lot of social interaction.
You’ve burnt out from masking, and you’re not ready to take on more. But your partner doesn’t understand why you can’t just push through it. They may feel disappointed or frustrated that you don’t want to participate in these activities, which can create tension and conflict in the relationship. Or, if you’re a parent with autism, you may not be able to process their needs as well as you’d like to. You may be overwhelmed with taking care of them and maintaining a mask at the same time. Which can lead to burnout. Your partner may not understand why you need breaks or feel frustrated. That they have to take on a larger role in caregiving.
You’re a Neurotypical Partner Who Wants to Better Understand
Perhaps you’ve noticed that your loved one with autism behaves differently when they’re in your presence compared to when they’re with family or friends. They may seem less like themselves, more drained and quiet. This could be a sign of masking – an attempt to hide their true selves to fit in with you or others. However, when they become burnt out or overwhelmed by sensory input, the facade of masking can crumble. Then you may see more stimming or other autistic behaviors.
At this point, their needs may suddenly change, and they may require a period of seclusion or sensory deprivation to cope. Understandably, you may not fully comprehend why they’re suddenly changing, and it can feel as if they’re withdrawing or holding back from you. This can be confusing and frustrating for both parties in the relationship. But it’s important to remember that they’re experiencing sensory overload and are unable to process the needs of others.
Masking is a coping mechanism used by neurodivergent individuals, often observed in those with autism traits, to blend in with the neurotypical majority and conceal their differences.
For instance, if someone struggles with making eye contact, they might force themselves to do so in social situations to appear more ‘normal.’ This behavior serves as self-preservation and protection in a society that may not always embrace neurodiversity.
It may often seem like your loved one has depleted all their energy and has nothing left to give, leaving you burdened with responsibilities and daily tasks. The truth is that the demands placed on them are overwhelming, even at a biological level, and the toll it takes on them differs significantly from what a neurotypical partner may experience. Parents, in particular, find it challenging to assist with child-rearing, household chores, or any outings or family events. They’re simply burnt out and unable to manage.
Autistic Burnout is the Result of Unnecessary Expectations
When you’ve pushed through countless social interactions, trying to understand and process non-autistic behavior at the same time, you may find yourself reaching a point where your mind becomes exhausted. You’re experiencing autistic burnout, where you need time to recharge and recuperate. However, your partner might not fully grasp why you need to spend time alone or why you may not be as engaged in the relationship. For instance, they may want to go to happy hour with their coworkers, and you go along, but you’re not really present because you’ve checked out. Or you choose not to go and avoid explaining why. It’s not because you don’t want to spend time with them, but rather because you’re burnt out and need a break.
As a result, your partner may feel like they’ve missed out on a fun experience because you seemed disengaged.
They might feel disappointed or upset that you chose not to go, which can create tension in the relationship. Your partner loves you and wants to understand what you’re going through, but they may not fully comprehend the toll masking take and manage an overload of senses. Coping with overwhelming family events, such as gatherings with judgmental relatives, can also feel like an impossible challenge. Your partner may want you to attend, but they may not be able to provide the support you need.
In these situations, autistic burnout can significantly impact the dynamic of your relationship and potentially lead to tension or misunderstanding. It’s possible that you may be so emotionally drained that you’re not able to fully grasp the impact this has on your neurotypical partner. Under such immense pressure and frustration, hurtful words may unintentionally slip out, and while calling someone “lazy” is not ideal, sadly, it’s a term that can sometimes be used in these challenging interactions.
It’s Hard, Isn’t It?
You feel as if you’re giving everything you’ve got and it’s still not seen as enough. Leading to feelings of inadequacy. You’re not broken but just overwhelmed. And you deserve to be understood and supported. It’s about gaining the self-awareness to recognize what leads to such overwhelming burnout, meltdowns, or shutdowns. Once you understand it, it will be easier to communicate your needs and find ways to prevent burnout in the future. Your partner can then provide the necessary support and understanding that you need, ultimately strengthening your relationship and creating a more supportive environment for both of you.
You’re Autistic Partner is Burnt Out and You Want to Help
Your partner might be feeling less engaged, more fatigued, and less interested in activities they once enjoyed. It’s possible they’re going through autistic burnout, which affects individuals differently. Autistic burnout is characterized by a depletion of energy and emotional resources. As a neurotypical partner, it can be hard to understand why your loved one may seem distant or less involved. It’s understandable to feel frustrated if they’re not sharing what’s wrong or opening up. But remember, your partner is not intentionally withdrawing from you or trying to hurt you. The growing frustration may lead to conflict and personalizing the situation, but it’s important to approach it with empathy and understanding.
It’s possible that you’ve been feeling neglected or not getting enough attention in the relationship, which could have led to some resentment. However, it’s important to remember that your neurodivergent partner needs support and understanding. They might not have the energy to attend social events, help with household tasks, or engage in activities they once enjoyed. Communicating openly and understanding that their needs may differ from yours can help strengthen your relationship.
How Can You Support Your Burnt Out Partner?
Truly grasping your partner’s sensory profile can make all the difference when supporting them through burnout. Pay close attention to their subtle cues, like fidgeting or avoiding eye contact, which may indicate feeling overwhelmed or overstimulated. Give them space and quiet time when necessary, and try to minimize sensory input by dimming lights or reducing background noise. Be patient and understanding if plans need to be canceled or if they need time for themselves. If your partner with autism feels overwhelmed at family gatherings, find ways to support them, such as setting time limits or having an exit plan if things become too much. You can also help them communicate their needs to others. Most importantly, validate their feelings and assure them of your support. By showing empathy and understanding, you can assist your partner in managing burnout and strengthen your relationship.
What Can Both Partners Do To Help?
When striving for balance and equity within your relationship, it’s essential for both partners to feel seen and supported. Understandably, it’s not just about the neurotypical partner accommodating every need. It’s also about the neurodivergent partner committing to self-awareness and preparation before reaching the point of burnout. By doing so, you, as the neurodivergent partner, can better communicate when you’re close to your limits and in need of support.
Fostering Open Communication
It could be as simple as saying, “I need a 30-minute break to recharge after socializing,” which allows your partner to understand and assist without guesswork. On the other hand, it’s just as important to recognize your neurotypical partner’s needs. They too require self-care and moments of rest. Acknowledging this allows you, even with lowered energy, to offer support by stepping in to help with tasks, therefore nurturing a reciprocal relationship. When you take the time to express your feelings using “I” statements—such as “I feel overwhelmed when…”—it can pave the way for deeper understanding.
This approach helps both of you share your experiences without placing blame, allowing your partner to hear you with empathy rather than defensiveness.
Remember, as a neurotypical partner, criticism can be particularly tough for your neurodivergent partner. So try using constructive words that focus on feelings and needs rather than attacking your partner’s character. It’s equally important for both partners to be aware of their own needs and prioritize self-care. Taking time to decompress is not a luxury—it’s a necessary practice to protect against burnout. When both of you make space for this kind of honesty and self-awareness, you’re building a sanctuary within your relationship where both of you can thrive without the shadow of conflict.
Setting Boundaries for a Healthier Relationship
Setting boundaries can be beneficial for both partners, especially when one is experiencing burnout. By establishing boundaries, you are taking care of your own needs while also giving your partner the space they need to recover. Discussing and agreeing upon these boundaries together, such as taking alone time when needed or changing plans to accommodate for sensory overload, can prevent misunderstandings and conflicts in the future. Boundaries are not about controlling your partner’s actions but rather creating a framework for mutual respect and understanding.
Seeking Support
For either partner, seeking support from a neurodivergent affirming therapist in Santa Monica, Orange County, and Beverly Hills can help foster open communication and understanding within your relationship. A therapist specialized in neurodiversity and relationships can provide you with tools and strategies to navigate communication, self-expression, and mutual understanding.
For the neurotypical partner, these sessions can provide a way to better understand your partner’s perspective and needs. Leading to a more supportive and empathetic relationship. For the neurodivergent partner, therapy can provide a safe space to express oneself without fear of judgment or misunderstanding, ultimately promoting self-awareness and growth.
Gain Understanding From a Neurodivergent Affirming Therapist in Santa Monica, Los Angeles, and Orange County
Working with a neurodivergent affirming therapist in Orange County, Los Angeles, or San Diego can provide your relationship with the support and guidance it needs to thrive. Both partners, neurotypical and neurodivergent, can benefit from therapy by enhancing their communication skills, fostering empathy and understanding, and learning how to create a balanced and supportive relationship. At Open Doors Therapy, we specialize in supporting neurodiverse individuals and relationships. Our therapists are dedicated to providing a safe and nurturing space for individuals with autism traits and their partners. If you’re interested in learning more about our team, our services, and which may be right for you, you can follow these steps to gain more information:
- Reach out to our autism therapy practice and schedule a free phone consultation.
- Learn more about our team
- You Can Both Thrive in Your Relationship!
Other Services Offered with Open Doors Therapy
At Open Doors Therapy, we proudly serve Orange County, Los Angeles, San Diego, and other areas in California. We strive to provide resources, support, and advocacy for neurodivergent individuals and their loved ones. This is why our team offers a variety of services so we can meet your unique needs. Our California-based practice is happy to offer a variety of services that include: individual therapy, parent counseling, and group therapy. In addition, we also offer social skills groups. These include college students with autistic traits, young adults with autism, women who identify as neurodiverse, a mother’s group, and an online parent support group. Please feel free to visit our Autism Resources page for info and helpful resources. Learn more about our services by reaching out or visiting our blog today!
About Tasha Oswald Ph.D. and Her Team
Meet Dr. Tasha Oswald, a licensed psychologist (#30423) and the Founder of Open Doors Therapy and Neurodiversity School. With 15+ years of experience in developmental and clinical psychology, Dr. Oswald and her team specialize in providing compassionate therapy for autistic individuals in relationships with neurotypical partners. If you’re struggling with masking and autistic burnout, we offer invaluable support and guidance. We can help you embrace your unique strengths and navigate life’s challenges at Open Doors Therapy.
