“There is no better basis for a successful marriage or relationship than being best friends.”
Many autistic adults I work with find the thought of dating to be terrifying. So many worries leap to mind, like:
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How do I even start a conversation with someone I am romantically interested in?
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How do I know if they like me?
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I hate small talk and beating around the bush.
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Why can’t they just be direct with me?
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I want them to tell me right away if they like me. That way, I won’t waste my time dating them if it’s not going anywhere.
Dating Can Be Hard for Neurodiverse Adults.
Many autistic adults struggle with discerning if their romantic interest is being honest. When their partner is not open and vulnerable from the beginning, they assume that means they are being dishonest. Therefore, understanding the difference between dishonesty and being vulnerable can be very confusing for someone who is on the autism spectrum.
Building a lasting and high-quality relationship requires vulnerability from both partners. Being vulnerable is hard for almost everyone! Especially neurotypical adults. Many people don’t want to disclose all their past, private thoughts, and feelings right away because they fear rejection.
As an Autistic Adult, it is Important to Give Your Partner Time to Get to Know and Trust You.
It’s hard to be open, honest, and vulnerable in a relationship because if you let someone look behind your facade, they could reject the real you. We all have fears that we might not be good enough, or might not measure up. Those sorts of fears make it especially hard to be vulnerable and open in a relationship. Many adults need to build a foundation of trust in their relationship before they feel comfortable being vulnerable with their new partner. But, it’s important not to let these fears keep you from finding love.
Most autistic people I have worked with have shared how wounded they felt from social rejections. These moments can be very harmful to aspie adults long-term. This often comes in the form of bullying, including verbal and/or physical victimization. Many of my clients were taunted by their peers, often for their social awkwardness.
People with autism get what social rejection feels like. They understand the pain and fear it causes. Therefore, it is important for a neurodiverse adult to understand that their partner might also fear rejection at the beginning of a romantic relationship. They must be patient and allow vulnerability and trust to grow. They cannot expect complete openness from Day 1 of a relationship.
Relationships are a Process, Especially With Neurodiversity.
Part of my private practice includes working with people on the spectrum in social skills groups. Often, we end up talking about dating and relationships. When my autistic clients talk about love and relationships, we discuss how dating is a process. In this process, each person discloses a little about themselves. It may take days and months, and even years for their romantic interest to fully disclose everything. Taking time to build a connection before fully disclosing every detail of your life, gives both partners a chance to see how the other will react to them. Then, they can determine if their partner will accept them.
It is really important to be patient with your partner at the beginning of a relationship. Try not to assume that they are being dishonest when they’re not being vulnerable. Give them time to get to know and trust you. Then, they will be more comfortable sharing intimate information about themselves. Ultimately, they will learn that they can trust you. The trust you form during this time will provide a foundation for a successful intimate relationship.
How to Feel More Comfortable Opening Up, as an Adult with Autism
If you’re an autistic adult and feel frustrated or confused by the dating process, you’re not alone. Remind yourself how much courage it takes to be vulnerable. You have your own painful stories of social rejection. You know how hard it is to put yourself out there. Bring this loving understanding and patience to your dating experiences and relationships.
Whether dating turns into a lasting relationship, or not, the process can help grow your qualities of compassion and patience. This can allow vulnerability to unfold naturally in your relationship. Ultimately, working on these qualities will help you be successful in a relationship when you find the right person.
An Autism Support Group in Orange County, CA Can Provide You With Support While You Navigate the Complex World of Dating.
Open Doors Therapy in Palo Alto, CA offers a variety of social skills groups for adults on the autism spectrum. During these groups, we provide a supportive environment where you can focus on learning and practicing a variety of social skills that will help you interact with your neurotypical peers. These social skills can be applied to dating too. During the group, you have an opportunity to practice these skills with your peers in a non-judgemental environment. Practicing these skills will help you feel comfortable using them in your day-to-day life and on your dates.
Social Skills Groups at Open Doors Therapy in the South Bay Area/Silicon Valley:
Working Professionals with Autism Group:
During the Working Professional’s Group, we discuss the common challenges autistic adults have at work. During this group, we discuss building relationships, managing miscommunications, non-verbal communication, listening skills, perspective-taking, empathizing, and unwritten social rules. These social and communication skills are useful outside of work and in your dating life.
Autistic Adults Group:
Our Adult Group for autistic adults focuses on the challenges neurodiverse adults have in their day-to-day life. We put a great deal of focus on building relationships with others. Like the Working Professionals Group, we discuss building relationships, managing miscommunications, non-verbal communication, listening skills, perspective-taking, empathizing, and unwritten social rules. These are all useful skills to have while you’re dating or in a relationship.
Neurodiverse College Group:
Our College Group includes young adults with autistic traits who attend a college or a university in the Bay Area. Our College Group discusses the unique challenges that students with autism face. Additionally, we also talk about building relationships with others. The skills we learn regarding relationships will help college-age adults be successful in building friendships and romantic relationships too.
Autistic Women’s Group:
Our Women’s Group is for women with autism in Orange County, CA. During this group, we focus on what it’s like to be a neurodiverse woman. The Women’s Group provides helpful strategies to manage stress, address life and relationship problems, improve communication skills, make friends, build relationships, set and achieve goals, and problem-solve. These useful social skills can be applied to friendships, romantic relationships, and dating.
If you’re unsure which group would be a good fit for you, please reach out to our clinic and schedule a consultation call. During this call, we will discuss our group therapy options and determine which group will best meet your needs.
Join an Autism Social Skills Group or Work With a Neurodivergent Affirming Therapist in Orange County, CA
If you are an autistic adult looking for non-judgemental support, we have a group for you. To join an autism support group in the South Bay Area, follow these three steps:
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Like Open Doors Therapy on Facebook and stay up-to-date on our clinic and the autism services we provide.
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Sign up to receive my newsletter for useful information about living with an Autism Spectrum Disorder.
Other Autism Services at Open Doors Therapy
Our Palo Alto/Bay Area counseling clinic serves teens and adults who have autistic traits. This includes individuals who identify as being on the autism spectrum, having undiagnosed autism traits, etc. and their families. We are proud to offer a variety of autism services and resources that include individual counseling for autistic teens and adults, parent counseling, and group therapy. Additionally, our autism therapists offer several different social skills groups for neurodiverse working professionals, college students with autistic traits, gifted youth & caregivers, autistic adults, women who identify as neurodiverse, a summer social skills college transition training program for youth transitioning to college, teens & caregivers, and a mothers group. Contact our Palo Alto, CA counseling office to learn more about our autism services and schedule a free consultation.
